Normally when you have a baby you give birth and they either set the baby on you so you can hold it for the first time or they give then a quick wipe down and they're right back in your arms. So, of course that is what you anticipate and expect for your self when you are going to have a child of your own. Then..., that all changes in a matter of seconds. When you are the mother of a preemie you don't that get special moment.
When Dakota was born they took in by emergency c-section. Know when I say Emergency I have the 4 1/2 inches longer c-section scar to prove it. Then they kind of held him up as they rushed him through the window into the NICU where the "team" would begin to resuscitate my 2 lb 15 oz son.
Then I would begin my wait to share that special moment with my son. Now don't get me wrong I cherished every little second and moment I got to hold his tinny little hand through the small door into my son's incubator. That was the only way I could touch him and let him know I was there. Now a few times I was able to talk some of the Respiratory team to let me "help" them while they were changing his position while on the ventilator. For me I was getting to hold him they just thought I was helping them so they could put fresh blankets under him. It was only for like 5 seconds but I did get to hold him in my hands.
I was not able to kiss my son because he was in his isolette. He could not be out if it for even seconds because his little body could not keep itself warm. But again I got to cheat the system one time. He developed a small hole in is small intestine. He was rushed to Primary Children's Medical Center. And thank goodness we make the decision to give him that chance. Now I can't blame the Doctors for what they did and do not know. My Son still had things to do on this earth and he is a fighter. So right before they took him to surgery they put him on what I like to call a baby warmer. It is kind of like a bigger version of what they put your food under at a restaurant to keep it warm. But the most fabulous thing of that bed was it was OPEN. So for the first time in my life as a mother I got to kiss my 10 day old son. And I will remember that day for forever.
So I still have not got to hold him. 2 weeks, 3 weeks, a month goes past and he is still to sick and still on the ventilator. I keep telling my self to be patient. My time will come. So I would just read books and talk to him. At least he could hear my voice and see that was there. Then one morning I call and ask my mom if she could take her turn of driving me up to the hospital to see Dakota. We get up there and they tell me that they think that today he can be taken off of the ventilator. That his little lungs have grown enough and have gotten strong enough to take him of the ventilator that was helping his lungs to breathe. They took out the tube and put him on a CPAP machine. It worked he was getting stronger.
I was so excited that I did not even realize what that meant for me. About an hour later after they let him settle in and get use to the new breathing mask his nurse asks me the magical question that every preemie mom who has been watching and waiting, trying to be patient, trying to figuring out new ways to show their love, and to comfort them. She asked me "Do you want to hold him?" Yes! Yes! Seriously? Yes! I have never felt such warmth in my heart then that day. 6 weeks after my son Dakota was born then handed him to be. I got to hold him close to my body. Wrap my arms around his tiny little body. I was in heaven. For the first time I got to hold him and feel like his mom.
